Civic Planning

Like a lot of small towns in America, my little village of Nowell-by-the-Sea was a poorly planned accident.  The only difference is that the buildings average about eight inches in height.

The accident started when my wife sent me to a department store in November and I happened to find that they had their Christmas decorations marked half off.  (They wanted to clear the stuff out to make room for the Valentine’s candy.)

On the display of tiny ceramic buildings, electric bulbs glowed warmly through plastic windows, casting light across the cotton-wool snow.  Miniature plaster people stood in their winter best admiring a spiky Christmas tree festooned with over-sized gold garland.  My breath caught in my throat and the guy part of my brain said, “This is just like being mayor of your very own town.”

That was completely untrue, of course, but when I got home I showed my wife the beginnings of a brand new holiday tradition. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Humor Essay

A Hint of Christmas

(Ed: This weekend I recorded the podcast which will go up on October 28th.  I realized that the next one I record will run the first weekend of November and I wanted to do something Christmasy.  So I pulled this old column out and expanded it a bit.  Enjoy!)

Halloween is over and that means that there are only about fifty more hinting days until Christmas.  I personally began my hinting campaign in late July.  There’s no sense in leaving these things to the last minute.

The important thing about hinting is that it has to be subtle.

For some perverse reason, family members refuse to buy the gifts you really want.  You could stand in the middle of the living room daily and say, “I’d really like an argyle sweater for Christmas,” but it wouldn’t do any good.  You could take out full-page ads in large metropolitan newspapers explaining that somebody might get hurt if you don’t get your sweater, and it would make your family all the more determined to buy you something else. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Humor Essay

The Dating Code

When a young woman asked my son to the girl’s choice dance and he didn’t accept immediately, I offered some fatherly advice.

“Are you nuts?  What if she changes her mind?  Call her back right now and say you’ll go!”

“That wouldn’t be creative Dad,” he said in a not-quite-patient tone. It’s the same tone the cashier uses when I try to sneak eleven items in the ten-items-or-less line by claiming that hot dogs and buns go together naturally so they shouldn’t really count as two things.

Creative?  As it turns out it meant sending the young lady a mystery to solve.  My son left an encrypted message in her locker which directed her to the choir room where he’d hidden another message agreeing to go out with her.  When did dating turn into The DaVinci Code? Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Humor Essay

Magical Thinking

My children have always believed in magic.  When they were little it was the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.  Now it’s the Toilet Paper Fairy, the Laundry Bunny and … well .. Santa still makes the top three so long as he comes through with the goods.

If avoided a reproductive dip in the gene pool, you’ve probably never heard of the Toilet Paper Fairy.  Late at night, when the house is quiet and dark, the Toilet Paper Fairy emerges from under the stairs and checks the thickness of each installed roll.  Deficient rolls are replaced from the Strategic Toilet Paper Reserves which are stashed in an undisclosed location known only to the Toilet Paper Fairy and Vice President Cheney.

At least that’s what my children think. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Humor Essay

Home Despairs

I follow a simple rule for safe living; never enter a home where I have performed any maintenance work on the plumbing or electrical systems.

When it comes to home repairs I am the very model of unskilled labor.

This isn’t an inherited trait.  Given any domestic mechanical problem, my father can work miracles.  With a ball of foil, a Dixie cup, a skein of yarn and twenty-five grams of uranium 232, he could whip up a nuclear reactor capable of powering Cleveland for a month.  The McGuyver gene must skip a generation because given the same materials the best I’d manage would be a piece of non-representational sculpture that glowed slightly and caused cancer with prolonged exposure. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Humor Essay

Enjoy This Essay!

The illuminated sign on the front of the soda dispenser screamed out ENJOY! in letters large and bright enough to be read by nearsighted people in locked closets a half mile away.  I wondered why the soda company felt compelled to tell me how to interact with their product.  Were they afraid I wasn’t smart enough to figure out that soda was a treat?  Did they think I might consume it without getting the full 64 ounces of enjoyment my purchase entitled me to?  Maybe they knew it was only fizzy sugar water and hoped to convince me it was something better.

Whatever their logic, I passed on the soda and chose a cup of coffee instead.  The sign of the brewing machine – HOT, FRESH COFFEE – was elegant in its directness.  As it turned out, that sign was a little inaccurate, too.  It should have said TEPID, STALE COFFEE.  At least it didn’t tell me what to think or how to feel. Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Humor Essay

iPod, Do You?

Today at the store, I saw a small set of speakers and thought, “My iPod would probably really like those.”  So I bought them and found out I was right.  My iPod really did like them.

Readers who are in the mental health field are probably thumbing through their diagnostic manuals trying to put a name to my disorder.  Don’t bother.  I’m not sick. I’m just a perfectly normal human being who is owned by a perfectly normal iPod. Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Humor Essay