The greetings card industry has a lot to answer for when it comes to providing sentiments for all occasions.
Imagine that a perfectly healthy co-worker takes a couple of weeks of sick leave and returns…changed. Maybe they had something enhanced, or reduced, or removed, or added. Maybe they left with a beak that would do Big Bird proud and came back with a button nose that wouldn’t look out of place on a cartoon rabbit. Should you say something? Isn’t the point of plastic surgery to have some feature noticeably improved? But how can you tactfully say, “Whoa! You must have left about five pounds of nose on operating table. Good job!”
Worse yet, how are you supposed to react if your co-worker comes back with an entirely different gender?
You see? If the greeting card industry stepped up to the plate with some appropriate specialty cards, you’d be spared the difficulty of having to figure out how to express yourself. Sort of the way that guys have used anniversary cards to avoid the necessity of actually expressing their feelings about their wives. To be fair, though, what woman wouldn’t prefer a pre-made poetic expression of love to an embarrassed husbandly throat-clearing followed by a mumbled, “I … um … you know.”
The whole plastic surgery thing would be a lot easier if you could buy a card which said Glad to see your surgeon didn’t slip and extend your nostrils through your upper lip. Or maybe a simple, heart-felt You look so good I didn’t recognize you.
Given the rise in plastic surgeries, I think this could be a growth opportunity for the greeting card industry. Just imagine walking into your favorite card store, breezing past the tired old birthday, anniversary, funeral, and holiday selections and stopping at the amazing new post-operative section. There you’d find cards categorized by procedure (rhinoplasty, mentoplasty, parisplasty, etc.) and surgical outcome (wow!, lookin’ good, better luck next time, phantom of the opera, etc.)
And it’s not just plastic surgery. Lots of life’s other ups and downs could be addressed by carefully worded greeting cards. You might send a friend one that says:
The IRS nailed you,
Your bank account’s fried,
Too bad that your tax firm,
Hired accountants who lied.
When your friend is convicted of tax fraud and packed off to Federal prison where he’ll spend the next five to fifteen years trading cigarettes for protection, he’ll feel just a little better knowing that you cared enough to send a two-dollar greeting card. Just don’t tell him that you’ll be claiming it on your taxes as a medical expense.
Speaking of criminals, that’s a completely ignored segment of the market. I can’t imagine street thugs sending greetings:
The cops got your homeboy
I saw on TV
But if he don’t squeal
You’ll still be free.
Our high end criminals – mob bosses, political lobbyists, tobacco company executives, and assorted politicians – might be interested in a line of appropriately-worded greetings.
From what I could see
The Fed’s case was claptrap
I’m glad that your law team
Helped you beat the rap.
Of course, if things don’t go so well, there could be a line of sympathy cards that included handy tips on how to smuggle things in and out of a federal penitentiary. Or, maybe cards with a space for a check to contribute to a defense fund for the appeal.
The legal profession in general could be an almost endless source of new card designs. What recently divorced man wouldn’t want a supportive sympathetic card from a buddy. It could be simple and sincere – Dude I am so sorry that she had a better lawyer than you – or pretty and poetic:
Your wife’s a berserker,
And her lawyer’s real scary,
Bet you wish that you hadn’t
Ever met that secretary.
Such a sentiment could be completely avoided, though, if the philanderer in question had been given a warning card a few months earlier. Maybe a direct greeting which read – I know what you did last summer…and so does your wife’s private detective. Not that it would work. The cheating spouse would be too busy buying specialty greeting cards for his new love with sweet sentiments like My wife doesn’t understand me, but baby you fill my every desire or I’ll divorce her some day – I promise – this just isn’t the right time.
On the opposite side of the divorce equation, the ex-wife’s friends could send her consoling cards with earnest expressions regarding how much better off she is without the bum. Except, of course, there’s no real market for those since women don’t have trouble expressing their feelings. Maybe the greeting card industry ought to just focus on guys.
Perhaps there’s a market for businessmen. What about a card that says Great Powerpoint Presentation! I’m sorry the boss slept through it. For that male friend who’s stuck in a dead-end job working eighty hours a week with no hope of recognition or advancement, the card might say:
Your hours are long,
Your boss is a jerk,
Your paycheck’s too small,
But at least you’ve got work!
Who wouldn’t be cheered up by a card like that?
Well, pretty much anybody. Who wants a card that points out everything that’s wrong in their life? People want a card which is cheerful and upbeat, a card that gives them something to feel good about, something to look forward to.
It’s hard on the job,
A life of travail
But without wage slaves like you
The business will fail!
Or
I’m sorry your boss
Is a terrible guy
But look on the bright side
Someday he’ll die!
You see? Just hearing that makes you feel better. There are lots of opportunities for the greeting card industry. So long as nobody sends me a card which reads:
I’m sending a message,
I’m here to proclaim!
Your essays aren’t funny
And your word play is lame.
