The highway department has taken to using large electronic signs to warn drivers about hazardous or difficult road conditions. For example, you might see a sign flashing the message: “Road Construction Ahead – Delays Possible”. This means, of course, that you will be delayed. And, if you haven’t packed any food, you might want to draw straws to see which of the people in the car is going to be a tasty lunch for the survivors.
A sign reading “Detour Ahead” means check your fuel level because you’re about to go seventy-eight miles out of your way on roads which last saw use during the Taft administration.
“Heavy Traffic Expected — Consider Alternate Route” means that everyone in North America has chosen the same road as you. Be nice to the cars around you. You’ll be traveling beside them for the next few decades.
These signs don’t seem to do any real good. You ignore them on the premise that everyone else will obey and you’ll have the road to yourself. Of course, since everyone else thinks just like you, no one obeys and the roads are jammed.
Even so, wouldn’t it be nice if your day-to-day life included warning signs like these? Wouldn’t it be great if there was a sign that spelled out “Boss Approaching – Look Busy” or “Boring Story Ahead – Pretend To Have A Pressing Engagement”?
Actually, such signs do exist. They tend to be delivered verbally. In fact, you probably already know some of them.
If a public speaker says, “I’ll keep my remarks brief” it means Settle in and prepare to deal with pins-and-needles in your posterior because I’m going to keep yapping until everything below your ribcage is numb. The only way you’ll get out of here anytime today is to fake massive internal hemorrhaging.
When you know how to spot them, you can see these signs everywhere.
“I’m okay” (shouted from an upstairs bedroom by a child immediately after a crash that sounds like someone dropped a freight train onto a china factory) means the bleeding isn’t too bad. It might also mean your homeowner’s premiums just went up. In extreme cases it means you’ll be looking for a contractor soon.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention…” delivered by a school-aged child at ten p.m. signals the beginning of your all-night effort to build a macaroni and library-paste diorama showing the the Battle of Gettysburg complete with miniature cannons that actually fire. If the line comes from an older child, plan to be awake all night searching the web for detailed references on trench foot through the ages.
As they get older, kids continue to give you scary warning signs. Like when your daughter starts a sentence with, “Daddy, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend Spike” or your teenage son says, “Do you remember the car?”
Warnings from your spouse can be just as scary. When she says, “I’ve been going over the checkbook…” it usually means you’re going to be called to explain why you found it necessary to spend eight hundred dollars on eBay buying baseball cards.
“I have a list of things I’d like you to do,” translates to Don’t even look at that LazyBoy because I’m going to keep you running all day long.
Of course you’re in this state of matrimony because you ignored another verbal warning which was probably issued by a man in serious clothing who started with the phrase, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…”
Warnings abound in the workplace. “I just need five minutes” from your boss is the sign that you’re about to cross over into the Twilight Zone where a five minute meeting will take up the remainder of your career.
“I’m concerned about the restructuring project,” is actually a hint that it might be time to polish your resume.
“The company is headed in a new direction,” should be interpreted as Get out while you still can!
If you seek the services of a professional, you’ll find they have their own scary warning signs. When a medical professional talks about a “procedure” they mean a form of torture which, if it wasn’t beneficial in some way, would be outlawed by the United Nations, the Geneva Convention, and the Boy Scouts. The phrase “You may experience some minor discomfort” is doctor code for I’m going to take several scary looking instruments and use them on you in ways that would get anyone else arrested. Or, more simply, This is gonna hurt!
“There are a few irregularities in your deductions” means that the nice man from the IRS is going to probe so deeply into your financial past that he’ll be looking at receipts your ancestors brought over on the Mayflower. He might also ask you to part with a large sum or cash or invite you to spend time confined in the company of large, tattooed individuals with bad attitudes and limited social skills.
When a lawyer says, “I think we can beat this,” it means you’ll manage to avoid prosecution. However, you’ll have to sell everything you own including several of your personal favorite body parts in order to afford the attorney’s services. Consider this choice carefully. It’s entirely possible that the fine you’ll pay if you loose is less than the cost of mounting a successful defense.
Some verbal warnings aren’t even in the form of words. If your accountant makes a clucking sound with his tongue or sucks air through his teeth, you may as well just give up your plans of retirement. You’re likely to be spending your golden years wearing a paper hat and asking, “Do you want fries with that?”
 
