So, you want to help the economy improve? Take a hike.
Really.
Or a cruise. Or maybe a skiing vacation. The destination doesn’t matter so much, so long as you’re out traveling and spending money. And, so long as the destination doesn’t matter, might I humbly suggest you travel to my part of the world and spend your money here. Sure northern Utah might be a long trip from where you live and might not be your preferred destination, but helping the economy was your idea, not mine.
So you’d better start planning your vacation right away.
Travel experts agree that the first step to a successful vacation is picking a destination. If you don’t have a destination in mind, it’s nearly impossible to properly plan your trip. Fortunately, if you can’t make up your own mind, travel experts will be happy to give you suggestions. Personally, I’d suggest northern Utah.
For me, selecting a destination involves a surprisingly complex equation which includes such factors as the climate, the time of year, the density of tourists, the number of tourists, the local cuisine cross-indexed with my tolerance for indigestion, the number and variety of local activities — weighted toward those which do not require strenuous exercise, the availability of medical facilities in case I change my mind and engage in strenuous exercise, the frequency with which the destination has been featured on the Travel channel, Dateline Investigates, and Ghost Hunters, the average Expedia score for the local hotels, the average Michelin rating for the local restaurants, and the number of wifi hotspots. After carefully comparing the variables for all possible vacation destinations, I ignore the numbers and go with my gut. (This is a technique I picked up by watching the banking industry.)
Once you’ve chosen a destination — by whatever means — you’ll have to decide whether you want to fly or drive. One choice means you might find yourself trapped for several hundred miles next to someone who is going on and on about stuff that doesn’t interest you, but you can’t escape because you’re strapped in so you just have to sit there and take it.
Alternatively, you could travel by air.
When you finish thinking about transportation, you’d better give a few minutes thought to your lodgings. The internet has made it easier than ever to review all of the available hotels, inns, lodges, bed-and-breakfasts, motels, rooming houses, warehouses, farmhouses, hen houses, outhouses, and dog houses in the area. All you have to do is set aside four or five days to read the various conflicting guest reviews and try to find a place which matches your low budget and high expectations. Then you enter your reservation and hope that the hotel personnel correctly interpret your request. For example, if you book a non-smoking room you might want to specify that you want a one that never smoked instead of (as has happened to me) one that only recently kicked the habit.
I seem to have similar luck with rental cars. More than once I’ve been stuck with a vehicle which — judging by the smell — was reupholstered using fabric salvaged from the smoking lounge on the Titanic. I also seem to find myself in possession of possessed cars. No matter how sternly I talk to them, they insist on getting lost. For example, when my wife and I were in the northeast last year, we asked the on-board GPS to take us to the Buffalo International Airport. Sheep-like we followed the car’s instructions right to the front doors of the terminal … at the Buffalo Greyhound station. The actual airport was the second destination listed on the GPS and arriving in time to catch our flight involved making six wrong turns, three minor traffic infractions and one violation of the laws of space and time.
If you’re reserving your rental vehicle, I suggest you pay the extra fees for the “non-possessed” and “functional GPS” options. Even thought this means you’ll have less money to spend on the rest of the trip.
One of the biggest expenditures of your trip is likely to be food. Just because you’re away from your kitchen, don’t think that you’re going to get away without eating. Back home you probably have your favorite, quaint local eateries like Applebee’s, Marie Callendar’s, and MacDonald’s. Travel gives you the opportunity to break out of your rut and sample new and exciting cuisine at quaint distant eateries like an entirely different Applebee’s, Marie Callendar’s or MacDonald’s. It’s pretty much the same menu you’d find back home, but you’re eating it at an exotic location and paying a premium price and that makes it taste that much better.
Either that or the restaurants all have some kind of subliminal suggestion system built into the overhead speakers to lull you into feeling good about paying fifteen dollars for a hamburger and fries which is easily worth three dollars. I’m pretty sure that gift shops have some kind of system in place to convince you that you desperately need the strange things they sell.
If not, how do explain all of those tacky t-shirts that you never wear? What about the snow globes and those little spoons? You can call yourself a collector if you want, but if that were true you’d have shirts and globes and spoons from the gift shops in your area. Except you don’t, do you? When you’re home you are a perfectly rational citizen who would never throw away good money on that kind of thing. Yet, somehow, when you’re hundreds of miles away from home you have the urge to toss big handfuls of cash at whoever happens to be behind the gift shop counter. That’s why I’d like you to plan a trip to my part of the world right way. And if you do come, stop by and say “Hi.” You’ll find me behind the register in the gift shop.
