Who Will Buy?

The economy hasn’t been feeling too well lately.

If it was a horse we’d be talking about sending it to the glue factory. If it was a car, we’d be looking to trade it in. If it was a character in a soap opera, it’d be that guy who is laying unconscious in a hospital bed while the other characters shake their heads and whisper about how sad it is.

For the economy to improve, it’s going to have to catch its second wind; get a new engine; or wake up from its coma and realize that it has to win back Jessica who ran off with Dr. Harmon. In short, the economy needs a rapid infusion of cash … stat! The only way this is going to happen is if people get out and start buying stuff again. I’m looking at you Mr. and Mrs. American Consumer.

For decades, experts have been telling you that you don’t save enough money. Long newspaper articles filled with charts, graphs, rants and guilt explained that Americans save money at a much lower rate than any other group in the world including people who live on tropical islands and use beads for currency. You just laughed and went on spending.

Then the economy slowed down the same way a car would slow down if you dropped a freight train across the freeway — suddenly and completely. In that instant, you became a nation of savers. Previously “must have” items like designer clothes, limited edition iPods and the Snuggie became expensive luxuries. If it wasn’t food or shelter, you didn’t need it. Oh sure. Now you decide to be prudent shoppers.

If you really want to help the economy it’s time to dispose of some of your disposable income! Reckless spending got us into this mess, why shouldn’t reckless spending get us back out?

So go to the store and go hog wild! Buy that electric dog polisher you’ve always wanted. Or maybe a whole new wardrobe in a size four just in case you really do lose the weight this time. How about a house? Or two? Or three? We can arrange easy terms with no money down and an adjustable-rate mortgage.

Shopping has always been the key to a successful economy. Don’t believe me? Think about the cavemen. They weren’t exactly known for a go-go-go economy. The only things they had to buy or sell were things they caught themselves. The pre-historic Walmart had shelves filled with mammoth tusks and hides, but only a few primitive electronic devices like the iRock, the PS Minus 10, and the Nintendo Ugh! Cave dwellers didn’t spend a lot of time shopping and it took thousands of years for their economy to take off.

Over the centuries, various nations and empires tried to refine the whole idea of commerce. A few had minor successes — such as the ancient Romans with the iScroll — but it took American ingenuity to really make shopping what it is today.

Just think about how far we’ve come. Back in the middle eighteen hundreds, Ma and Pa Ingalls had to drive their wagon into Walnut Grove to shop at Olsen’s General Store. When they got there things were pretty primitive; no microwave meals, no DVD rental, and probably only one brand of toilet paper.

By contrast, the typical modern mega grocery store includes a dry cleaners, a fast-food restaurant, a nail salon, a tanning salon, a bank, a tire and auto center, an entirely different bank, a dental office, a doctor’s office, a do-it-yourself psychiatric help center, a playground, a rest stop for weary travelers, a tailor, a home improvement center, a tax preparation service, a mortuary, a financial adviser, and an entire aisle full of different brands of toilet paper.

Which causes me no end of trouble when I go to the store for my wife. She’ll send me to the store with a generic list that includes milk, eggs, toilet paper and Taste of Home Light n’ Fluffy Pancake Batter. A list like this might have worked for the Wilders, but it’s completely useless for me.

What kind of milk? Whole milk? Two percent? One percent? Skim? What size? Gallon? Half-gallon? What brand? Sunshine Farms? Happy Valley? Cow Town? Bright n’ Chipper Dairy? Without guidance from the list, I’m lost.

Things don’t get any easier when it comes to eggs. I can never remember what size, quality, color and brand we prefer. Generally I just opt for the least damaged and hope it works out.

The toilet paper is the worst. I can never remember “our” brand. I know that the package has pastel colors and the name makes liberal use of the words “strong” and “soft”, but beyond that I can’t nail down the memory. Do we prefer Quilted Southwestern? Angel Fluffy? Cottonesque Ultra Strong? Charming Ultra Soft & Strong? Fluffy Strong Quilted Angel Soft? They all sound so appealing; it’s like standing in front of the puppy cages at the pound and trying to pick just one while they’re all yipping excitedly and wagging their tails. I want to take them all home. If only I could tell by looking which were the purebreds and which were the mutts,

Which I don’t actually do because my wife has been very clear that with the state of the economy we need to conserve. So I usually end up buying the brand which looks most appealing at the cheapest price.

But that shouldn’t stop you — Mr. and Mrs. America — from going wild at the store. Buy all of the toilet paper you want. And while you’re at it, pick up an unnecessary high-tech device or two. Remember the economy is counting you. I’m counting on you. And, as soon as things turn around, I’ll be right there with you. In the meantime, I’m going to try to hang on to my money a little longer.