WP Hero?

Twenty-five years ago I couldn’t get enough of video games. It was a hopeless, one-way affair. I gave my time and devotion and cash to the game industry and they returned questionable entertainment like Raiders of the Lost Ark on the original Atari console. This was a game which compensated for its pixelated graphics with tedious game play. It was awful and I couldn’t have loved it more.

Indy gave way to Sonic and Mario and Luigi and Princess Peach and the games have gotten more sophisticated and visually attractive. Somehow, though, I don’t connect with them anymore.

Probably because I find most of the subject matter appalling. In 2009 the top selling games included titles like Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2, Halo 3 ODST, and Borderlands. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 The Next Chapter made the news for having the longest title of any game this year and for the fact that thousands of gamers lined up to buy copies and then took the next week off to play. As a result, IT departments and college classes had a significant decrease in attendance while Cheeto and Mountain Dew sales increased dramatically.

The point of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2: NASDAQ Up 6: The Sequel is to use a variety of weapons to wipe out hostile enemies in a variety of locations around the world. By contrast, Halo 3 ODST QED M-O-U-S-E is all about using a variety of weapons to wipe out hostile enemies in a variety of locations in space. Borderlands: The First One So The Name Is Still Short is all about using a variety of weapons to wipe out hostile enemies in a variety of locations in a post-apocalyptic landscape. These games are a lot like having an office job; the places and faces change but the essential challenges are always the same.

If testosterone-fueled run-and-gun action isn’t your thing, you could dive into one of the other best-selling categories of 2009 — fitness games.

Really.

Now your home game console doesn’t just entertain you, it also whips you into shape. The word “game” doesn’t really seem to apply to things like Wii: Fit or Die, Jillian Michael’s Fitness Ultimatium You Will Work Out Because I Said So, and EA Active: The Aspercreme Experience. Virtual trainers (who remain eternally fit-and-trim because all they ever do is exercise and only consume electrons which are one-hundred percent calorie free) cheer you on while you struggle to keep up. I fail to see the entertainment value in that; although my family might find the sight of me sweating and struggling for just one more virtual lap around the virtual track mildly amusing.

Another popular class of games is built around the idea of competitive air guitar. There are now so many variation on Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and DJ Hero that I expect companies are running out of new recordings to plunder. We’ll know they’ve hit rock bottom when they release Rock Band: The Shatner Experience.

None of those appeal to me much. Now, if they’d release WP Hero (a game that simulates writing humor using a word processor) I might be enticed back to the world of gaming.

What I want are games the reflect my age and experiences. I no longer believe that I’m going to be a combat hero, or get fit or pursue the life of a rock star. I’m pretty much content these days if my lawn looks nice most of the time, the hot water works and there’s somebody waiting at the checkout when I finish shopping. Why can’t somebody make games around those concepts? I’m just spitballing you understand, but here are a few ideas I’d like to throw out to the game industry.

Yard Maintenance: This Time It’s Personal — Really, We Mean It (Rated ‘T’ for Teens Really Ought To Experience This.) It’s not easy keeping a well-groomed yard in this challenging simulation. It’s all about using a variety of lawn-care tools to wipe out hostile pests in a variety of locations in a suburban neighborhood. As players gain skill, they can move from the simple dandelion digging tool to the more terrifying and deadly yard sprayer. The lawn mower will keep the peaceful grass population in check while the line trimmer defends the border. The sequel will add winter-time fun including the snow shovel, snow blower, and the deadly snowball assault.

If that’s not to your liking, how about The Plumber’s Apprentice: This Ain’t No Mario Game (Rated ‘T’ for Teens Considering A Career in Plumbing.) Combining the intellectual demands of a troubleshooter with the delicate physical skills of a surgeon, this exciting simulation gives players a chance to experience the real-life drama of plumbing. It’s all about using a variety of plumbing tools to wipe out hostile leaks in a variety of locations in a typical home. Water is the relentless enemy that seeps into the sub-flooring and destroys the house from the inside out. Only the heroic plumber can trace the water back to its source and plug the leak. Bonus points are awarded for players who up-sell the homeowner to an on-demand water heater. In the stressful lightning round, players will have to repair the plumbing damaged by the homeowner’s attempts at do-it-yourself work.

A game like that could turn a whole generation on to plumbing as a career. Or it might convince them to rent for the rest of their lives so that plumbing problems will be the landlord’s responsibility.

The one game I’d really like to see is Customer Service: The Most Wonderful Thing In The World! (Rated ‘T’ for Teens Who Work Behind a Counter Somewhere.) It’s all about using a variety of pleasant interactions to satisfy cranky middle-aged customers like me in a variety of locations in a mall. Bonus points would be awarded for properly ringing up the customer’s purchase or getting his fast food order correct.

Naw. Nobody’d ever be good at a game like that.