What’s Bugging You?

In late 2009 Consumer Reports evidently ran out of new products to test. What other explanation could account for their decision to conduct a phone survey to find out what annoys people the most?

The answer to that question is obvious.

Phone surveys….except that wasn’t one of the things they asked about.

The researchers called people and asked them to rate their level of irritation at common annoyances. The scale ran from 1 (“it’s all good”) to 10 (“you die now!”) I can only imagine how the calls must have gone.

“Hello. This is Consumer Reports and we’d like to ask you about the things that annoy you.”

* CLICK *

Somehow, they managed to coerce answers out of more than a thousand people. The resulting press release made it clear that you people are really, really cranky.

Really.

It’s a good thing there are laws forbidding the personal ownership of atomic weapons. Otherwise insurance companies, cell phone providers, and that jerk who weaves all over the road because he’s busy talking to his insurance company on his cell phone instead of driving would all be irradiated out of existence. By contrast, TV weathermen would only glow softly.

The number one annoyance was “hidden fees added to bills.” This topped out with a rating of 8.9 which means people hate hidden fees more than twice as much as they hate inaccurate weather forecasts. Other contenders for most-hated included “cell phone use by drivers”, “tailgating”, and “failure by husbands to put the toilet seat back down.”

(Aside: Actually, the toilet-seat thing didn’t make the list which proves they didn’t call my own individual, personal wife or any other men’s individual, personal wives.)

The main point of the study seemed to be that Americans are annoyed pretty much all of the time because the things that annoy them happen all of the time. Which makes me wonder where our so-called leaders have been. Oh sure, health care and foreign policy are important, but where is the blue-ribbon panel studying the important issue of “not getting a human on the phone?”

Why can’t Congress take an interest in the people? Why can’t they stir themselves to get out of their offices and live with the rest of us? Most of all, why wasn’t congress listed as an answer in the survey?

If I were President, I’d create a new cabinet post for the Secretary of Things That Annoy People. That person’s job would be to pass laws ensuring that everyday annoyances are addressed.

For example, “people who don’t pick up after their dogs” rated a 7.6 in the survey. I think there would be a groundswell of support for re-instating public flogging as a penalty for the crime of forgetting the clean-up kit when you take Rover out for a walk. Providing “unreliable internet service” (also 7.6 on the survey) would likely carry a mandatory sentence of a lifetime of dial-up access for the offenders.

That’s not to say the job of Secretary of Things That Annoy people wouldn’t be without a few challenges. “Tailgating” was high on the list with a score of 8.3 while “very slow drivers” came in near the middle with a 7.0 and “speeding drivers” landed near the bottom with a 6.1. From the numbers, it appears that the people who qualify as “very slow drivers” outnumber the people who are “tailgating” with a few of the “speeding drivers” bringing up the rear. In fact, these people are probably all annoyed at each other. Brokering a lasting peace in the Middle East would be child’s play compared to finding a law to reconcile the driving dilemma.

Of course there are people who say that you shouldn’t get worked up about the little things in life; that getting stressed out will make you prematurely old and decrepit. “Just relax,” they say. “Take it easy.”

Take it easy?

Take it easy?

How can I possibly take it easy when that idiot on his cell phone has been tailgating me for the past thirty-two miles while the moron ahead of me is driving slowly and keeping me trapped in the left-hand lane the whole time? You know what really annoys me? People who tell me to take it easy.

Sorry.

The fact is, there is a simple way to cut back on the annoyances and live a generally happy life.

Move to a new state.

According to a study released by an entirely different group of researchers, the happiest people live in “sunny, outdoorsy states” like Louisana, Hawaii and Florida. Which means my friend Jimmy is about twenty-times smarter than me because he lives in Lousiana while I live in Utah which landed almost halfway down the list.

New York came in last on the happiness index which is interesting because one of the two researchers actually lives in New York. His co-researcher lives and works in England which (perhaps due to some bias in the research) didn’t even make the list of U.S. States.

I think these guys missed something obvious. They claim people are happier in sunny states, but if that’s true why did Alaska come in at number twelve? The seasons in Alaska range from early winter to late winter and the sun is so completely out of synch with the clock that it sometimes fails to clear the horizon. On the other hand, Alaska is huge and there are vast stretches of the country that don’t have any cell phone towers and limited postal service so that you never get stuck behind some jerk on cell phone and your incomprehensible bills with hidden charges can only find you a couple of times a year.

Obviously, people are happier when they live far away from the things that annoy them. So, for my part, I’m going to go where there aren’t any reports of research studies about how happy (or unhappy) people are these days.