Editorially Speaking

American daily newspapers are dying in record numbers. Where once these magnificent beasts roamed the plains in great herds, now they have been hunted nearly to extinction by the railroads.

Oh. Wait.

That’s the buffalo. Nonetheless, newspapers really are dying. If your local daily was a guest character on a medical drama, the hunky doctor would be saying reassuring things to the newspaper’s family before telling the gorgeous nurse to have the morgue boys come up the back way so as not to alarm anybody. Which is a shame because the local paper performs the vital service of identifing the dangerous lunatics in your neighborhood.

Don’t believe me? Try this simple test. Pick up any local daily newspaper, turn to the letters to the editor page and read it. Now are you convinced? I thought so.

When the Founding Fathers included Freedom of the Press among the key principles underlying American democracy, they probably envisioned thoughtful public debates on relevant issues of public policy. Instead, we got disjointed rants which serve primarily as an argument for mandatory mental health screenings.

In any given paper, seventy percent of the letters come from people who are completely reasonable, twenty-five percent come from unreasonable people, five percent are obviously from inmates out on day passes from Brinkvale Psychiatric Hospital, and the rest are from people with whom you agree. The members of the second group — the unreasonable people – appear to be representatives of a lost tribe of whiners. They want to use the newspaper to force other people to solve their problems.

Dear Editor,

I want to express my extreme displeasure with the current city council. Their pro-business polices are destroying our fair city and will bring ruin and desecration for generations to come.

It doesn’t have to be just pro-business policies, of course, whatever position the current city council takes – conservative, liberal, libertarian, fascist, neo-Roman, Reformed Druid, or lunatic fringe – somebody will write in to complain about them. The letters always claim that the current ruling power is going to bring about the end of civilization and things would be much better if a new party came to power.

The letters get really interesting as election time nears with writers stumping for and against various candidates.

Dear Editor,

I’m very concerned about the vacant seats on the sewer board which will be filled in the upcoming election. Politics in this town have gotten too dirty. The current administration has done nothing to clean up its act! The process of government in our fair city is clogged. We need a free-flowing dialogue. I urge the citizens to vote for vote Joe Johnston for Sewer Board Representative from District 19. A vote for Joe will get things moving!

Sincerely,

A. Nutter

Of course, the bold people who stand in opposition to Joe Johnston can’t let this go without comment.

Dear Editor,

I stand in opposition to Joe Johnston as a candidate for the sewer board. What evidence do we have that he would do a good job? Has Mr. Johnston ever personally worked in a sewer? Is he, in fact, ready to plunge into the job and get his hands dirty? I think not. That’s why I’ll be casting my vote for Billy Ruben; a man born for the sewers.

Sincerely,

A. Nuther Nutter

Once the election is over, there will be a brief period in which the losing side will grouse about how the voters didn’t understand. Then they can get down to the important task of writing letters to complain about how badly the winner performs the job. At the next election, the cycle repeats itself with the dreary regularity of the sunrise (only it’s a lot less illuminating).

Sometimes the letters actually make you stop and think.

Dear Editor,

Did you know that virtually every person who has ever eaten carrots has died? I can show statistically that there is very nearly a one-hundred percent mortality rate among carrot consumers. Why hasn’t the government done something about this?

A letter like this certainly makes you stop and think … that schools need to do a better job of teaching statistics and that a little knowledge is, indeed, a dangerous thing.

In the entire history of journalism, I doubt that anyone has ever actually been persuaded by something found on the letters to the editor page. If I thought otherwise, I might be inclined to write a letter or two myself.

Dear Editor,

I am writing to express my concerns about recent changes in domestic policy. Specifically, I am speaking of the new policy my wife has instituted regarding the pre-washing of dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. This so-called “green” policy is, in fact, a blatant and unreasonable attempt to foist some of her responsibilities on to me. I daresay, that it is a direct violation to our most cherished document, the Bill of Rights.

Of course, my wife couldn’t let such a challenge go unanswered, so she’d probably pen a response.

Dear Editor,

I have been unfairly painted as unreasonable and it has been suggested that I have violated my husband’s rights under the Constitution. Nothing could be farther from the truth. While holding the office of Head Cook and Bottle Washer I have made every effort to be fair, yet he has never once lifted a finger to help me. This new policy is simply a simple and effective resolution to an on-going problem.

Besides, if he doesn’t like the way I do it, he can do his own cooking and cleaning from now on!

You see what I mean? The letters let you know exactly what the crazies are thinking. They’re a sort of barometer of the public IQ and, if you track what city they’re from, you get a pretty good idea of what neighborhoods to avoid. So do what you can to save your local daily paper…we need to know where the lunatics live.