Dubious Improvements

Later this year Microsoft will release Windows version seven. After nearly a decade-and-a-half in development, this new software package promises to give you the same smooth, hassle-free experience as Windows 95. As with the release of any new operating system, the arrival of Windows seven is exciting the geek community the way the arrival of European settlers excited the natives in the new world. Specifically, the geeks are dividing themselves into camps and working out attack strategies.

One camp is populated entirely by people who have an excess of ready cash; these are the People of the Apple. They’re eager to point out that the Apple OS is now in version X which is waaay better than version seven. So what that Apple hardware costs about three times as much as the Windows equivalent? It’s just ‘that’ much cooler. They say they’d like to see Windows gone, but deep in their hearts they know they really need Windows so they’ll have something to feel smug and superior about.

The folks in the Linux camp have no use for anyone who isn’t willing to compile an operating system in order to use it. You have to watch them closely because they’ll GREP or FINGER you at the drop of a CD-ROM. They don’t care about other operating systems because all non-Linux software is just a pale reflection of the Platonic ideal.

The largest camp is made up of actual Windows users; half of whom hate the thought of a new version while the other half cling to the hope that this time things will be better.

The problem is that upgrades to software almost always make things harder. I’m convinced that every programming team puts two or three people in charge of moving the buttons randomly around the screen. After an upgrade nothing is where it used to be. It’s as if you fell asleep one night and awoke to find that every light switch in the house has been shifted to the opposite wall.

If it were just a matter of making a few adjustments, most of us wouldn’t complain too much. However, a new version of software brings compatibility issues. These are the computer equivalent of relationship problems. Software packages that used to work fine suddenly refuse to do anything until you upgrade them too. It’s like all of your programs are experiencing an unprovoked attack of jealousy. Since group therapy is out of the question, you’re forced to buy new, more compatible software.

This whole upgrade cycle seems peculiar to the computer world. For example, imagine that your sinks and tub wouldn’t drain properly and the taps produced the barest trickle of water. If you called a plumber you wouldn’t expect to hear him say, “What you’ve got here is an older system. You really ought to upgrade to the new Pipes version nine. It comes with enhanced water-flow routing, user-customizable temperatures, and a recycle bin to keep your old waste water until your certain you want to get rid of it. Oh, one thing though, after the upgrade you’ll need to get all new glasses since the ones you drink from right now aren’t compatible.”

Yet, when it comes to computers, we not only tolerate that … some of us get downright giddy about the possibilities. One of the most talked-about features of Windows seven is “multi-touch control.” If you happen to have a touch screen computer, this will allow you to control the computer without using a mouse. You’ll substitute simple, easily-learned gestures like poking with one finger while tapping with another or putting two fingers and two thumbs on the screen and pulling them diagonally away from one another for previously-complicated tasks like right-clicking or resizing a picture. As an added bonus, if you happen to have jelly on your fingers, you’ll have a handy on-screen record of exactly where you touched.

Like turn-signal indicators or the slow lane, these won’t ever be used by the vast majority of people. Still, to some of us, just the thought that we could use multi-touch if we wanted to is enough to get us to scrap all of our old hardware and invest several thousand dollars in new equipment.

I wish software companies would actually integrate features that would save me time and enhance my user experience. How about an e-mail program that takes the drudgery out of my day by handling messages automatically. It could scan incoming messages and automatically forward chain letters, offers of Nigerian wealth, jokes in dubious taste, and pictures of cats to a list of my three-hundred closest friends. This alone could be a huge time saver, but it if also handled my work e-mail by generating custom-designed excuses for late projects and rejecting requests for meetings, it could very nearly replace me.

If my computer would handle that, I’d have a lot more time for shopping on-line which is why I’d also need an auto-saver module. Right now, when I want to buy something on-line, my computer happily complies no matter how foolish the purchase. A Popeil Pocket Fisherman with the built-in scaler? No problem. An electric dog polisher? What color would you like sir? Stock in AIG? How many shares? For me, shopping on-line is about as safe and effective as weeding the lawn with a flamethrower.

The auto-saver would monitor my spending habits and then put a stop to them. Ideally, it should physically remove the credit card from my hand, shred it (the credit card, not the hand), and then disconnect from the internet permanently.

There’s one program I’d pay dearly for, though. All I need now is someone to write it. Does anyone know a good programmer who might be up to developing a program to write humor essays?