You have to pity the modern American business leaders. Right in the middle of the economic equivalent of the Great San Francisco Earthquake of 1906 they have to spend all day, every day focusing on their core competencies to design customer-centric win-win solutions while going forward to grab the low-hanging fruit by producing a value-added, scalable, proactive ball-park figure. At the same time, they have to shift paradigms by the truckload!
The one weapon they have in their arsenal is the amazing power of the Corporate Policy.
In a lot of ways, corporate policies are like magic spells. Both are complex and written in a language that most people don’t comprehend; both require years of study before they’re fully understood; and, if handled carelessly, both of them can turn on the person trying to use them.
Really.
Let’s imagine you’re trying to do something foolish and unexpected; like making an accident claim on your car insurance. From the TV ads, it looks like filing a claim is as easy as calling up the solemn-voiced actor, cheerful checkout girl, caveman or lizard that sold you the policy and saying, “My car got a bit banged up in an accident so I think I’ll be needing a new one. When can I expect my very large check?”
That might work on TV, but in the real world you’ll be blocked by policy; forced to produce actual police documentation and fill out forms until your pen runs out of ink or your hands cramp up so badly you’ll never play the Sousaphone again. If you complain, your insurance agent will shrug and say, “Sorry. It’s company policy.”
If you press the matter, he’ll get out the big book o’ policy — a three-ring binder approximately the thickness of the Shanghai phone book — and read you strings of random words like; “Permission is granted to the local agent to determine (at his or her individual discretion) the validity of the accident claim notwithstanding the presence of police documentation or an actual police officer and to require whatsoever additional documentation as (he or she) can coerce the claimant to fill out.” If that doesn’t work, he’ll drop the binder on you repeatedly until you agree to complete any form he requests including a Last Will and Testament which names him as the sole heir of your estate.
Such is the awesome power of the corporate policy.
Which got me to thinking; I’d like to have a few Domestic Policies for getting what I want at home.
For example, I think our house would be much better off with a clear statement of policy regarding the use and disposal of leftovers.
Cummings Family Policy Regarding Surplus Food Items
The management of the Cummings family recognizes the vital role that food plays in every day life and wants to encourage the continued consumption of appropriate foodstuffs at every meal. Whenever possible, the individual preparing a given meal should take steps to ensure that the quantity prepared will match the anticipated consumption as closely as possible. In the event that unconsumed food is left on the table, the following mandated procedures will take effect.
1. Unconsumed food which remains in the preparation or serving dishes will be considered “leftovers” if the quantity is sufficient for at least one additional individual to have at least one additional serving. Any quantity less than this will be considered waste and should be disposed of in the appropriate manner. (See Cummings Family Policy #124C-41 Food Waste; Appropriate Disposal Of.)
2. Under no circumstances should food from individual dinner plates (or other tableware considered to be used for individual consumption) be classified as “leftovers”. Due to concerns about potential contamination this, too, will be considered waste and disposed of appropriately. If it is noted that a particular member of the family is consistently leaving significant quantities of food on their individual plate (or other tableware considered to be used for individual consumption), they should be dealt with in accordance with existing policy. (See Cummings Family Policy #1138THX Conservation of Family Resources; Appropriate Measures For)
3. Food which is designated as “leftovers” should be stored in the appropriate air-tight container and placed prominently in the refrigerator. If the food is not consumed within one week, the container may be moved more deeply into the refrigerator to make room for new leftovers. After a period of one month (or a change in Presidential administrations; whichever comes first) the food may be checked for freshness and consumability. In cases when the the safety of the food is in question, the Mother of the family should be consulted and her decision is to be considered the final word. (Cummings Family Policy #1 Right; The Mom is Always.)
Five or six hundred simple policies like that would have greatly simplified life with our sons. Whatever the argument, we could have turned to the policy manual to solve it. A shouting match over who called shotgun first? No sweat, Cummings Family Policy #1187 (Temporal Modifiers in Debates Regarding Temporary Custody of Preferred Seating; Appropriate Use Of) clearly states that saying, “I claimed it first time-travel infinity” is only permitted if the child making that claim can prove actual possession of a time machine. If that didn’t work, we could always revert to good old Cummings Family Policy #1 (Right; The Mom is Always.)
I wish I’d thought of the idea of a family policy manual years ago, but then again it might not have been such a good idea. For every policy I wrote about when to empty the kitchen trash (when it gets full), when to throw away the milk jug (when it gets empty), or the proper way to hang the toilet paper (over the top of the roll); my wife would probably have come up with a policy on purchasing new high-tech gear (not unless it is absolutely necessary as defined in Cummings Family Policy #1.)
