An awful lot of folks are angry at the American banking industry and they are expressing their outrage by way of obscene gestures, foul language, and poorly-spelled letters to the editor. The government, sensing the restless mood of the public is responding by giving huge piles of crisp new dollar bills to the banks. The banks, in a bid to keep the cycle going by annoying people even more, are using the money to throw big parties.
One major financial institution — not to name names, but their initials are AIG — spent nearly a half million dollars on a corporate retreat at a lavish resort. Members of the American public — many of whom find themselves unexpectedly and unpleasantly unemployed — asked, “Could you bring me a doggie-bag from the buffet? Or maybe a doggie duffel bag? I’d kind of like to feed my family this month.”
AIG responded to the implied criticism by pointing out that the cost of the party was a tiny fraction — less than one percent; really — of the money they’d been given. The banking executives were surprised to find that this didn’t do much to cool the public’s anger.
In reality, AIG was just doing its part to help out the economy. Not by spending; a half million dollars is about as much help as a Dixie cup would be for stopping a tsunami. What AIG was trying to teach us was the importance of keeping up appearances.
The United States Economic system is like Tinkerbell; it only works when you believe in it. If everybody stops believing in it (which is what more-or-less what just happened) it goes off to a corner and sulks until it feels like we respect it again. The best thing any of us can do right now is convince all of our friends and neighbors that we believe that the economy is just as healthy as it ever was.
This is kind of like running into an old friend who has gained twenty or thirty pounds but saying, “Hey! You look great!” You know it’s not true. Your friend knows it’s not true. But, so long as neither of you admits that, you can both go on believing it.
The very best way to increase confidence in the economy is to bring home something expensive and attention-getting like a new car, SUV, or baby. Those are all great ways to say, “Hey Economy, you look great!”
Of course some of you aren’t that dedicated and will probably insist that you need to put food on the table and keep a roof over your head. Are you really that selfish? Don’t you understand that if you don’t start spending like a drunken millionaire the rest of us are going to be in serious trouble?
If you were committed to your fellow Americans, you’d capitalize on your unfortunate circumstances.
For example, if your diet has moved away from steak and lobster and toward bread and water and you’ve started shedding pounds the way a Persian cat sheds hair, don’t despair! Accessorize! Hang around outside the local trendy health club for a day or two and wait for someone to drop some logo merchandise like towels or wrist bands or water bottles. Carry these with you at all times and when people comment on your sudden thinness give them a smug, self-satisfied smile and say, “I’ve been working out with a personal trainer.”
They’ll be so jealous of your evident success, it will never occur to them that you’re actually wasting away. Tip: If you start to eat your towel, you’ll ruin the illusion.
If you ever find that you have to eat in the company of other people, say because it’s your turn to host the annual neighborhood barbecue, don’t panic! A little creative misdirection will serve you here as well. Instead of the usual hot dogs and hamburgers, grill up a healthy portion of common weeds such as dandelions, white clover, and zucchini. Tell your guests that it’s the hottest new fad diet among the Hollywood elite and invite them to wash it all down with a big swig of water from the garden hose.
With a bit of creativity you can get rid of your car and make it look like a positive thing. Just sell your expensive high-tech ride and buy an expensive high-tech bicycle. A bike can be just as useful as a car so long as you don’t have to transport anything bigger than a basketball. Tell your neighbors that you’ve decided that biking is eco-friendly and challenge them to try it. If they ask about your car, just roll your eyes and mutter, “You know how it is with high-end cars, it takes mechanics forever to repair them properly.” Follow up with a brittle sort of tee-hee laugh to show that further discussion of the topic is beneath you.
The very best way to spend money lavishly and obviously is to go on an extended vacation. Again, with a little forethought this can is easy to fake. In casual neighborhood conversations, let it slip that you and your family will be heading out on a little two-week trip. Toss this off lightly as if it’s no big deal. Then hide in your basement for two weeks and spend your days photoshopping yourself and your family members into internet pictures of exotic locations. After you “return” invite your neighbors in to view snapshots of you in front of Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower, the Kremlin, McMurdo Base in Antarctica and the Imperial Death Star. If they should ask about your souvenirs, shake your head sadly and explain that they were all lost at sea when your ferry boat capsized.
If we all just keep lying to each other, our faith in the economy will be restored in no time and everything will turn out fine. Trust me.
