Shaking the Money Tree

I don’t have to tell you that the economy is in bad shape; that’s the job of the talking heads on the TV news. Every half-hour the round-the-clock news drones come on to report that the economy is still in bad shape. If the economy was a broken-down car, the newscasters would be the helpful passer-by who peers under the open hood and declares, “Looks like you’ve got engine trouble.” For the next thirty minutes he’ll tell you all about similar trouble he’s seen in similar cars and expound on various unsupported theories as to the true nature of the underlying problem. Just about the time you think he’s talked out and winding down, he’ll take a deep breath and declare, “Looks like you’ve got engine trouble.” You won’t be listening anymore, though. You’ll be using all of your will power to resist rearranging his frontal lobes with a tire iron.

Listening to the TV news about the economy is exactly like that; only a lot less informative.

Even so, just because the economy is going downhill faster than a bowling ball on a water slide, you don’t have to fret. If you take a few simple precautions you can maintain your standard of living or even make a profit.

For example, you could start a major financial institution or automotive manufacturing company and then run it into the ground through decades of wasteful spending and poor management. As your company starts to collapse, put on a sad face, tell the government you need enormous wads of free cash, and wait for the money to roll in. This will only work, though, if you had the foresight to start your company a few decades back and have been busily destroying it ever since. If you’ve frittered away the last twenty or thirty years working for a living, you’ll have to find a different strategy; like taking advantage of the stimulus package.

The Federal Government is planning to stimulate the economy by building thousands of miles of new roads. While I’m not sure I see the link between road construction and the economy, I’m all in favor of the program. In fact, just last week I filed an environmental impact statement for the construction of a major highway interchange in my backyard. (The environmental impact is virtually non-existent because by the time the interchange is done I won’t have a backyard. No yard, no impact. Neat, huh?)

You might be wondering why I, a homeowner who lives about three miles from the nearest highway, would need my very own interchange. The answer is simple. My neighbor is going to get Federal money to build a highway in his back-yard and so it’s only neighborly if I go after a little of Uncle Sam’s greenbacks to complete the project. Besides, if I don’t build the interchange how will anybody get from my neighbor’s highway to my other neighbor’s toll road?

Maybe you’re not that bold and you’d prefer a more honest approach to gaining money under false pretenses. You could always beg.

Really.

A lot of major institutions — hospitals, colleges, universities, and orchestras — make very good money by begging. Only they don’t call it begging, they call is “Institutional Advancement” or “Development”. Instead of standing on a street corner with a poorly-lettered cardboard sign, they send you a nice letter on expensive paper and explain how you can ensure your legacy by giving them some of your money. They even suggest possible donation amounts and attach names to them.

At the highest level of giving, you’ll earn the right to call yourself a “benefactor”. At the lowest level, you get to be their “friend”. (Aside: I’ve always been suspicious of this approach because my mother told me that it was wrong to buy yourself a friend.)Truly, though, you will become their friend if you donate. Even a donation of a hundred dollars will ensure you a lifetime of semi-personalized mail which will alternate between appealing to your better nature and making you feel slightly guilty for selfishly keeping your money for frivolous uses such as buying food or paying your mortgage.

So, why shouldn’t you get in on the action? Why not call yourself an institution of higher learning and set up your very own charitable foundation? The trick, though, is to avoid going after penny-ante donors like yourself. What you need to find is that single wealthy donor who will help you out with “planned giving”. “Planned giving” is a nice way of asking someone to include you in their will. As the donee, you’re looking for people who have lots of available cash and limited lifespans. The usual tactic is to go after people who are — to put it politely — in the twilight of their years. The problem with that approach is that many people have an unreasonable stubborn streak when it comes to staying alive. A better solution is to find a wealthy risk-taker. Get backing for your foundation from someone who quite literally has more money than brains and then introduce them to the joys of dangerous pastimes like bull-riding, sky-diving, or photographing Russell Crowe.

If that doesn’t float your boat money-wise-speaking, you could apply the tried-and-true methods of the typical elementary school. Bake sales, gift-wrap sales, and cookie sales figure prominently in the high-stakes world of pre-adolescent fund-raising. The problem — as the parents of any elementary school door-to-door draftee can tell you — is that raising money by selling things is hard work. If you’re going to go to all that trouble anyway, you might as well get an honest job.

Of course, if you’re truly desperate, there is one other thing you might try. You could adjust your expectations and live within your means. But, as the mortgage bankers would be the first to ask, “Where’s the fun in that?”