How to Turn an Argument into a Fight

The difference between an argument and a fight is the difference between a border skirmish and a full-on invasion. An argument is the sort of impassioned discussion you see in the U.S Congress when it comes to hot-button topics like Bioethics, Campaign Finance Reform, and whose turn it is to pick up the check in the Senate cafeteria. A fight is the kind of no-holds-barred brawl that breaks out in third-world parliaments and is usually seen on the “News of the Weird” segment sandwiched between the story about the dog in the tutu and the water-skiing squirrel.

An argument can strain your relationships, a fight can completely destroy them. Turning an argument into a fight is easy if you know what you’re doing. Sadly, many people only manage to start fights by accident. They get into arguments and stumble about inefficiently trying to see the other person’s point-of-view, offering compromise solutions, and generally dragging things out far longer than necessary. With a few simple skills and a little planning, you can go from discussing the weather to permanently parting company with someone in less time than it takes the average burger joint to get an order right.

Let’s be honest, a lot of your arguments are going to wind up as fights anyway, so why not learn to be as efficient as possible? In the interest of public service, let me tell you how to turn an argument into a fight.

First of all, you’ll need an argument. Any argument will do. Sure, you could start with a family feud over something significant like an inheritance or which sister’s chili isn’t meant to be taken internally, but how likely are you to have a convenient argument just laying around? If you want to take control of the situation, you should pick the topic. Things like the color of the paint you chose for the bathroom when you built your house seventeen years ago, or who gets control of the TV remote, or toaster settings all make excellent foundations for your fight.

The other thing you must have if you want a good fight is a close relationship with the other person. It’s almost impossible to have a fight with someone you don’t care about. Don’t believe me? Try this simple experiment; walk up to a random stranger and tell them that you want your toaster set to golden brown and you don’t care what they have to say about it. Odds are, they won’t care. At most, they’ll call mall security and you’ll end up having to argue your case with the local police. (Hint: Play it cool if you’re arrested; the police station is a very bad place to practice turning arguments into fights.)

If you want to have a fight with someone you aren’t close to, you’ll have to find some way to close the relationship gap. You might try inviting them into your confidence by sharing a secret, kissing them, or — if you really want a good fight — marrying them. In terms of the potential for fights, a close relationship like marriage is the equivalent of a minefield in an earthquake zone; it only takes a little shake-up to set things off.

With all of the necessary pre-conditions in place, there’s no need to delay. You can start working on your fight any time you’d like. The best opening gambit is some kind of broad generalization like “You forced me to pick a bathroom color I can’t stand”, or “We always watch what you want” or “My toast is always getting burned because you leave the toaster set to incinerate.” A statement like this is the verbal equivalent of a rabbit-punch to the kidneys. All the other person can do is react with something lame like “That’s not true!”

Now that they’re on the ropes, verbally pummel them with more broad generalizations like “You don’t care what I think!” or “Do you have any idea how thoughtless you are?” The goal is to keep them off balance and prevent them from actually talking to you.

If you allow them to speak, they might offer something like “I see your point” or “You can have the remote from now on” or “Let’s put the toaster knob where you like it.”

Don’t give in to this. Once both parties start talking about the future and what they’ll do, the fight is basically over. Make sure that you stay focused on the past; there’s nothing either of you can do about what happened, so if you can be royally ticked off about some insult from a dozen years ago you can stay happily ticked off until the other person refuses to speak to you ever again.

If they do manage to trick you into talking about what’s possible, the only way to keep the fight going is to make sure that you talk in ultimatums. Tell your opponent — and if you can’t bring yourself to think of the other person as an opponent, you don’t have it in you to be a really great fighter — that it’s all-or-nothing; the walls will be repainted a color of your choosing, the TV will only ever be on shows you want to watch, and the toaster will be permanently set on the light golden-brown color that is so important to your happiness.

At this point, all you’ll have to do to finish off the relationship is make the other person feel terrible for ever treating you so thoughtlessly. After that, it’s pretty much guaranteed that they’ll leave you alone for good.

It’s just that easy; follow these few simple steps and you, too, can start and win fights with everyone — especially those closest to you. Winning is a lonely a business, though. So before you start the fight, consider whether or not you might actually need a friend some day.